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Amsterdam and The Badly Bruised Bum

Timeline 1993 - Location Amsterdam , Nederlands.

Now the early nineties were probably the end of the "glory days" for pubs when brewers invited publicans on "Jollies" if they sold lots of their beer. In these days we were taken to Barcelona , Paris and various other destinations but on this occasion Bass brewers rang and said " Baggy you and Sheelagh have won a week in a five star hotel in  Istanbul" - "how lovely" I replied   "yes you and forty nine other couples are going"  said the Bass rep. At this point I had visions of a busman's holiday with people I didn't know and probably wouldn't like and quickly responded "the only problem is I don't fly" - "but you are actually number one and we really want to reward you" she replied . "Well perhaps we could go somewhere else" I said  - "Ok - we will get back to you" she replied.

Two days later we were asked where we like to go and knowing Amsterdam pretty well from previously living in Brabant I thought the Amstel Hotel in Amsterdam would be nice as we could never afford more than one quick beer in this Iconic Dutch hotel - it being absurdly expensive. So the week was cut to two days in The Amstel with first class puffer tickets (railway) to Amsterdam.

So we travelled in style to this wonderful cosmopolitan , cultural city and arrived in the Amstel at about 4pm where we were shown to our vast suite with a balcony overlooking the Amstel river, the room being so big we almost needed a pair of binoculars to see the television , the stationary on the desk read "from the room of Mr & Mrs John Saunders , The Amstel Hotel etc etc" .  I noticed the "rack rate" for the room was over £300.00 per night and breakfast was £28.00 per head extra and that was in 1993! So a luxuriant bath later we were ready for off to the delights of the city . We were offered a limo by a "flunky" in the foyer but declined for fear of a huge charge and took the tram.

Now Amsterdam was a fabulous city with wonderful galleries and superb architecture which we had already visited many times so on this evening we were just in search of a pleasant supper and a good "craic" in the bars. I have to say Dutch cuisine was not inspiring and we ended up having a "rice tafel" Dutch East Indian meal which was jolly good but a tad salty.

After supper I had built up a fair thirst and we went in search of good bar to quench the said. On entering a good looking establishment I asked for large Pils and was told - "sorry- no alcohol here and was handed a marijuana menu" - whilst I thought I really did need a beer I decided "to hell with it - why not" and being ever greedy ordered the strongest joint on the menu , smoked it and waited for the effect which came just as we were leaving the "coffee shop" down a flight of concrete steps with the net result that I went down on my bum and really hurt my coccyx.

So now I was wandering about completely stoned , even more thirsty than ever and  with a bum that hurt like hell. I then came across a bar that was obviously a bar with people drinking beer so said to Sheelagh that it would do nicely. Sheelagh asked if I was sure but by this time I was beyond caring and went in followed by Sheelagh who said she was off to the loo. I very gingerly sat on an available bar stool and ordered two large Pils at which point various young men in the bar closed in on me - It was at this point that I realised we had gone into a gay man's bar and they probably  thought " here comes a new big juicy one" - well firstly I am not of that inclination and secondly my poor aching bum could take no more! It was at this point that Sheelagh returned from the loo laughing like a hyena and said "didn't you realise?"  By now , having left my drink , I was pretty desperate and turned a corner to see an  Irish Pub which we entered with alacrity and ordered two pints of St James' Gate finest - the black stuff-  it slipped down beautifully and I began to feel nearly human until a stark staring lunatic took up a position next to us.

So back to The Amstel - not for a luxurious  night of passion as I had planned but to soaking my poor old bum in the bath for a couple of hours!

      

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